Fringe Performances

1. Go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with a whiskey pint bottle half filled with watered down coke, so that it looks like whiskey. Try to hide swigs from it as people start talking. Begin talking when you feel up to it. Work in things like this: "I really think I could have a chance in this program if I could just make it through the first few minutes (swig). Hey! Why isn't there any coffee? Isn't there supposed to be coffee at these things? I'm going to need that if I'm going to stay awake through an hour of this."

[This from somebody who checked himself into a detox center, while absolutely clean and sober, because it was too expensive to run air conditioning during one of the worst heat waves in Louisiana history. They had not only air conditioning, but free food too. That individual left -- the temptation to make up bigger and better stories was just too great (not to mention the temptation posed by a certain young lady also there.)]

2. Wondering if anyone has ever seen a live performance from a "techno" band. Do people realize that the musicians play drums and instruments to the extreme for some of those recordings? Just because it sounds perfect doesn't mean it wasn't created live. It is the heighth of arrogance to assume that computer assisted production of finalized musical copy makes it any less real. In fact, many people might be surprised by how many "bands" using instruments were created by ONE person only.

3. Go to criminal court once or twice a week for a couple of weeks (or every day, if you aren't scared of dying of boredom -- it's a great way to learn decorum and statutory procedures). On the third week fall down when the bailiff says all rise. Be sure to have a shirt with pockets on, filled with marbles. Make sure all the marbles come out on the floor. Pick them up clumsily for the first few minutes of court. If you feel really ballsy do something similar the next week.

4. Go to an art opening. Find a piece of random, harmless, abstract art. Begin protesting the vulgarity of it loudly. Make sure to have a cell phone. Call actual people who might be offended by vulgarity at an art show (Christian organizations, right wing bastions of society). Make a real stink. The artist will hate you for it at the time, but love you later.

5. Take a little baggie of small round green seeds out into a very public place. Try to look as sneaky as possible while planting the seeds in open landscapes. Look over your shoulder. Hide in the bushes as you take the baggie in and out of your pocket. Run if you see law enforcement, or just to make sure some get called.

6. While at the doctor for an injury, after receiving a prescription begin talking loudly about how opiates help your sex life. Mention how they give you unbelievable staying power. Try to engage a nurse in the dialog if at all possible. Try not to do it if you are using your real name, or close to home. You may never get anything again.

7. unrelated - News carried a long story about the gang "The 18" in El Salvador. They called it the largest gang in the world. What about the Sandinistas? La Familia has nothing to do with any criminal organization. It's self defense when men who have committed crimes of consent tell authorities that. I will not give voice to the organization's name. I have values. News: Very frequently untrue in the places I frequent. No lawsuit can be filed against an organization for spreading name unspecific rumors, and there is no way to hold the owners of news organizations accountable. They are quite above the law. I've done my best to separate fact from fiction here, but it is very difficult when every source may be corrupt and often is.